I have wanted to write about motherhood for a while now, but
I have just been so busy being a new Mommy and soaking in all these precious
moments that I haven’t really made the chance to sit down and write all of the
feelings that I have had these past two wonderful months.
My labor and delivery experience was all that I could have wished for and more. I was induced and was actually in labor for 30+ hours, but I felt so calm and so excited for our little girl to arrive that I was unrattled and enjoyed everything (mainly in part to an amazing epidural and a blessing that my husband had given me). The moment was finally here. Many women wait 9 months to meet their baby… I had been waiting a couple years to meet mine. I had my own little entourage there to support me; Daniel, my Mom, and my Sister Kari-lynn and her 5 month old, Gavin. My Mom and Husband were standing right by my side and as soon as I started pushing, Daniel began to get so emotional. I loved seeing his joy and excitement as he anticipated meeting our baby, this had been a long road for him too and I don’t think there has ever been another man on this earth who has been so excited to become a Daddy. I am so grateful that I had my own little cheerleading section there, every time I needed to push, they all encouraged me to keep going and it just made me want to push harder and keep working even when I was getting tired. I know that it sounds so strange, but I really enjoyed my delivery experience and having so much encouragement that I said, “This is so much fun!” The doctor and the nurses looked at me a little strangely, I think they thought I was being sarcastic but when they realized I was serious they laughed and told me they had never heard anyone say that before. I only pushed for 30 minutes but it felt like 3… just like that our little Blakely was born… and she was so beautiful. They took her to the other side of the room to clean her up and I just couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. Then Daniel held her and it melted my heart seeing this amazing man that I love so much, finally hold his little girl.
Then I got to hold her, and I never wanted to let
go… It was almost like
I had always known her… Seeing your baby for the first time is such a hard
thing to describe, but I finally felt whole and complete in a way I had never
felt before. Blakely has brought such a great spirit of peace into our home, I
have never understood God’s love or have felt the power of it as much as I do
now.
My trials have taught me so many things, but the greatest
lesson that I have learned from them all is this… God Loves ME. He knows ME. He
is mindful of ME. He wants me to be the best that I can be. In the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) we are taught that we are sent to
this earth for a purpose, to learn and to grow and to try to become our best
selves that we can possibly become. I have learned that a huge part of becoming
my best self has been my trials, they have taught me more about myself than
life without them would have. I have heard people say that they have come to a
place where they are grateful for their trials… I am not sure that I will ever
be able to say that I am grateful for loosing my Dad and Father-in-Law to brain
cancer… but these trials of loosing them have taught me that life is so short
and I need to live it to its fullest. I need to be happy and have joy and have
faith in God’s promise that I will see them again. I am not sure that I will
ever be able to say that I am grateful for the trials of having miscarriages…
but these trials have taught me to rely on the Lord and in fact I believe that
they made me a better mother for when Blakely finally came. I just felt such an
overwhelming sense of peace… yes motherhood is hard, but it is so beautiful… I
have honestly loved every moment of it. I just stare at my little girl and praise
God in my heart that he trusted ME enough to give me this perfect little girl.
She is just the most perfect and most beautiful little angel and she was well
worth the wait.
I am not sure that I will ever be able to say that I am
grateful for the trials that I have had, but I am so grateful for who they have
made me become.
I believe that it is in our darkest times that we come to
know God more fully and we can feel him more near. When my dad was diagnosed I
remember thinking, can life get any worse? Then my father-in-Law was diagnosed.
Then my Dad passed away. Then I had my miscarriages. Then Daniel’s Dad passed
away. I am not sure why trials and hardships seem to go so closely back-to-back
but it makes me think of Job in the Bible… God knew that Satan could tempt him
and take all that he loved away from him and Job would not forsake God. In no way would I ever compare myself to Job,
but it brought me comfort knowing that God trusted me to go through all these
things and not forsake Him… even if I felt at times like God had forsaken me.
In the darkest moments of my life He was there. My prayers were answered,
perhaps not in ways that I would have imagined them to be answered, but they
were always answered.
Blakely has been my biggest answer to prayer and now that I
have her I realize how incredibly special she is. God needed me to go through
all that I did so that I could be a better mommy and so that I would never take
for granted a second of this wonderful gift of motherhood.
